Fresh off their victory to funnel unnamed corporate money into misleading, dishonest, deceitful and vile language advertising disguised as political campaign advertising, Citizens United announced the creation of their new spot. Tentatively titled, “Obama wants to fuck your mother“, the spot will feature images of the President of the United States in a gang bang of white women with their horrified children and husbands being forced to watch.
Citizens United spokesperson, Richard Cranium discussed this new project as they released their latest batch of deliberately misleading falsehoods, innuendos and lies which target the low-information, lazy voters in the run-up to the November mid-term Congressional elections. Also known as “the dumb-ass vote”, the millions of easily influenced minds who make up this sector of the voting public are easily swayed by vicious rumors and bold-faced lies.
“We think the American people should know the consequences of what could happen, if a black President gang-raped white mothers in front of their families. People have a right to choose for themselves, the kind of government they want.” said Mr. Cranium.
The new spot will feature images people and events that Citizens United want Americans to think about when they consider voting for Democrats: Hitler, Satan, black people, illegal aliens, drug addicts, pregnant black women refusing to work and demanding that white people give them money, white men having everything taken away from them, women voting, queers, transgender and transsexual persons, rape, murder, muslims, arabs and soccer.
Citizens United scored a great victory for the fundamental rights of corporations to use The Constitution’s protection of individual rights to in fact, render the individual powerless and defenseless. The Supreme Court decision gives the go-ahead to all corporate criminals to purchase elections and fill the government ranks with people that will people that can immunize those corporations from criminal or financial liability for their actions. According to Mr. Cranium however, this victory is bittersweet.
“This decision is great news for the future, sure. But, a lot of us are still upset that we went after the wrong Democrat (when they focused on Hillary Clinton). This is a business after all, and we owe it to our investors to accurately target the right opponents and to understand the real threats to our way of life.” Mr. Cranium stated.
Indeed, their singular focus on Hillary Clinton was the prevailing focus of the GOP for the entire Cheney-Bush regime. It has been called by many as a classic example of preparing for the current war by planning for the last one.
“I mean, seriously. Who the hell thought they’d elect a black guy? None of us saw that coming. Oh well…live and learn.” Mr. Cranium reflected.
Citizens United has built its industry leading reputation as a disinformation provider by funneling large amounts of money into massive, organized and thorough campaigns to defeat any measure or candidate that will stand in the way of corporate excess, pollution, fraud or the demolition of the middle class. Utilizing proven methods and assets like phone banks, thousands of attorneys and copy writers to overwhelm media and voters, Citizens United has also taken advantage of new media.
By creating fake blogs and pseudonyms at legitimate websites, they flood the web with so many ridiculous claims that nobody knows what to believe. This is especially effective with the dumb-ass voters, for whom even a second opinion is too much for them to handle.
Citizens United is also in beta trials of a new crowd-sourcing application which takes the unused cycles of employees and computers from their investors. The idea is that if these corporations can hide the money they spend on Citizens United, they may as well throw in some unclaimed man-hours from their employees.
One example is an insurance company that is heavily invested in Citizens United. A special program, called Mierda is loaded onto the computers of their actuarial department, loss and liability departments as well. Citizens United runs a Mierda server, which takes large jobs and breaks them up into units of work that can be completed in about 5 minutes. These can vary from number crunching to assigning phone numbers to call to even helping to verify names and addresses for mass mailing. Mierda is dormant when the users are doing their actual job, but when they are idle for 60 seconds, Mierda assigns them a task from the Citizens United server.
As they prepare the next project, already in production, Mr. Cranium let on that even bigger things are in store.
“We’ve entered into negotiations with Apple and AT&T to release the Mierda platform as an app for the iPhone. We think it will be released before Labor Day. Pretty soon, people will be able to call themselves and deliver whatever message we want them to get. It’s really going to be a game-changer.” Mr. Cranium boasted.
Who can disagree?
